Well... I'm in a journaling mood. Thus I'm journaling.

Tonight I decided I'm going to et back to writing the novel I started a year ago. I'm going to scrap everything I've allready done and start over again. I just need to make it better. You know? Like... bleh. I dunno. I'm gonna take out the fakeness and show what actually happened, you know?

I realized that I've become a Holden Caufeild. I hate the things that I see in other people that are the embodiment of me. It's stupid. It's hypocritical. Two of the things I hate the most in this world. Case and point. I realized I'm one of the fakest people I know. ... Like this is the first time I've come to grips with it. I act different around every single person. I act how I think they want me to act. How I think they think of me. Not how I am. But I only do that because there's really nothing to me. I think that's why I'm such a great actor. Because I'm just a hollow shell, with a mask, and when you take the mask off there's just plain darkness staring back at you. So I'll continue to wear my masks... if you don't mind.

Finals are next week. I don't feel like I usually do at this time. I don't know if I can say usually... Freshman year, well... Freshman year, I actually cared about school and other things... Sophomore year, I just cared too much about the wrong things... and now, I'm here, Junior year, with nothing to really care about. And if I try to find somehing to care about... it ends up disappearing. And I end up caring about the wrong things again.

I'm begining to think I'm not yet ready for another relationship... When I'll be ready? Only god knows when... Never? I'm mature enough, I know... I just... Ugh... What is wrong with me? Everytime I get close to someone I end up driving them away, either by attaching or distrusting. I dunno... I'm so afraid of being hurt again, of hurting someone again, of putting myself and another person into situations that should never happen.

I know what I want. I want someone to be with. You know? Like. Take out all the sex and feelings like that in a relationship... hell, even take out the making out (surprisingly I don't really want that)... and you're just left with 2 people who can tell each other ANYTHING. Or not. Two people who are comfortable enough with each other to just be and not talk. That's what I want out of a relationship. When I'm ready for it... Probably never... But I have a goal, and that's it.

I pray to god that he has written my life so I can find that. But... with my luck, I'll probably end up on the streets... alone. Such is life. Might as well make the best of it! I'll paint my cardboard box with a fine red hue. Make all the other homeless neighbors jealous!

Shae wanted me to mention her. So I'm mentioning her. Used up all my creative power pyschoanalyzing myself... So yea! Mentioned Shae... CHECK!

I think I'm going to make a poem off of this theme:

the athiest and the devout christian are in love
Happy. Forever.